"Let's Get It On"

As Marvin Gay sang "Let's Get It On," I'm sure many couples, were getting down to business between the sheets. But was he thinking about the millions of women who just had a baby and how weird sex can be after such an event?

After a 6lb cannon ball of a miniature human being came out of me, the last thing I want is anything going in there. Every OB will tell you, right after giving birth, not to have any sex for about 6-8 weeks. How could you? That's a given, but what happens after that period is over, as your partner anxiously awaits for that day when you can both "Get it On"

Truth be told, I was actually a little nervous. I'm sharing this with you because I know I'm not alone and it helps to talk about it. A baby changes everything and yes, that too!

I had a small tear, after a vaginal delivery and so I was very very sore and the idea of anything penetrating this area was something I wanted to be careful about. So the first time we did it, I could not believe how uncomfortable it was. Did I enjoy the experience of getting back on the saddle? Yes, I enjoyed the closeness and physical contact but it was painful and it took a while for it not to hurt anymore. It was like being a virgin again, as strange as that may sound. And sex after a baby is strange. A friend with a toddler said to me recently that because your focus is on a new baby that your drive is lower and that's normal. Well, absolutely that was true for me. Not to mention that you are sleep deprived and there is less time for yourself and whatever time you do have for yourself you often want to be by yourself.

Are men so different from women in this way, that sex for them after a baby is so easy?" Aren't they exhausted too? I'm talking about the typical household where the woman stays home during her maternity leave (if she has a job) and the husband is out working all day, so he's not at home looking after an infant that demands all of your attention. He's had intelligent and stimulating conversation with people over the age of 3. I'm not saying that working outside the home isn't challenging in it's own way, but it's a different kind of challenge.

I once heard Howard Stern say on one of his radio shows, that women with small children, if given a choice, between a good nights sleep or sex, would choose a goodnights sleep. That's a very revealing statement. And for those of you who nodded in agreement, I would not beat yourselves up about that.

The mass media promotes the belief that we're all supposed to be having incredible sex, Advertising in magazines, TV and film displays a constant barrage of erotic images. I remember my roommate telling me about a marketing class she was taking and how pictures of ice cubes for an alcohol ad were supposed to be convey sex to the consumer. Of course it's subliminal but it's sex is always around us from ice cubes to Victoria Secret billboards. It's unfortunate how many people fall prey to the belief that if you're not a sexual dynamo, then you're a loser. This is how hang ups, low self esteem and all sorts of issues develop not to mention the mass consumption of Viagra.

Don't listen to it. Everyone is different and what's right for you, may be different for someone else. After a baby, you may find yourselves, having sex once a week. As long as both partners are okay with that, then fine. There are many ways to be intimate with someone and it doesn't always have to be intercourse. You can give each other massages, take a bath together, have a make out session, spoon in bed. I'm sure there may be men reading this and thinking, "Yeah, right, like I'm going to get off on spooning." If a man who thinks this way would think more from his heart and less with his little head, then perhaps he would find that love, affection, and connecting with his partner in these ways is also satisfying. It's less about the ego and more about a spiritual connection. A baby can be an opportunity for couples to deepen their connection in many ways other than slam bam thank you mam.

The first year of a baby's life is where the focus is and within time, you're relationship with your partner will come back into balance. If we can accept the roller coaster ride of that first year, then you will be a lot easier on yourself. It took me about five months to accept that "Yes, my life is somewhat different, " and coming and going as I please is not a readily available option at the moment. The less I resist the fact that life is different with my daughter, the more I am able to relax and enjoy what is here now. In the words of many spiritual leaders like Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dyer, The Dalai Lama: "All you have is the present moment." So you might as well be here now and enjoy it!

Is Breast Feeding Good for the Environment?

As much as I can, I do my part for the environment. I take pride in the fact that I live a mostly Green life. I only use organic cleaning products to clean my home, eat organic as much as possible, installed a water filtration system in my kitchen and shower to eliminate harsh chemicals (I actually do notice a big difference in the taste of the water and my hair when I wash it). I didn't say I was 100% Green because, "Shhhhhh, don't tell Al Gore, but I use disposable diapers." Being the Green Martha Stewart is too much work.

When you think about being Environmentally Friendly as it relates to feeding your baby, Breast Feeding makes perfect sense. No bottles and no powdered formula in plastic containers. While I was pregnant, I saw myself as this Earth Mama nursing Sophia exclusively. I would nurse her anywhere (discreetly of course); in a restaurant or at the park. I would just cover her head and my boob with one of my many receiving blankets.

Well, my fellow Mama's, fantasy (as some of you may have already experienced) is very different from what may actually happen. It started out great. As soon as Sophia was born - she took to my breast like most 8-10 years olds take to the Jonas Brothers. To make a long story short, Breast Feeding was initially excruciatingly painful. I thought my body would shoot straight through the roof all the way into that final frontier called space. Maybe that sounds dramatic to some, but I'm not kidding. My fantasy of my little cherub suckling at my breast and myself enjoying it went straight down the toilet. Boy, did feel like giving up, but I really wanted to do my part for the environment and for my baby. Be Green. There was this little voice in my head saying, "Fuck being Green, my tits are killing me!" Then there was another voice that said, "Come on girl, you can do this. it's so good for Sophia' immune system. Suck it up! " Pun intended. LOL. Plus, it's great bonding time. Bonding time sounds wonderful, when you're not wincing in pain.

Well,I did suck it up and it did get a lot easier after about 4 1/2 weeks. Sophia is now 3 months and breast feeding is wonderful and enjoyable. We got the latching technique down and my nipples toughened up. I had people giving me suggestions to go to a Lactation expert, hire a Doula, go to breast feeding meetings etc.... I was too tired and too exhausted to go anywhere in the beginning. Women have been breast feeding for centuries, I thought. What did women in the 1600's do? I just trusted my inner Earth Mama to know what to do, read a few books and talk to friends who successfully breast fed and that worked just fine for me. Bottom line, do whatever you can to make it work for you and know that it is perfectly fine to bottle feed your baby too.

I have a confession to make. When Sophia was about 2 1/2 weeks old, I went to the ER with a very high fever. My OB said it's not unusual to get run down and dehydrated after giving birth. It ended up being nothing, like most things. I left Sophia with my husband and after being in the ER for several hours (what is the reason for using the term "ER" if you end up staying there for 5-7 hours before you get seen by anyone?), I realized, "Oh My God! Tony will have to give her a bottle." Noooooo. Not a bottle! After you deliver, the Maternity ward sends you home with a goody bag of baby stuff. Little prepared bottles of formula are one of the items. I was worried about two things: 1) That she wouldn't take the bottle, since she only knows breast feeding, and 2) that she would prefer the bottle over me. The nurse in the ER told me "Babies are primal and if she's hungry, she'll drink it." Duh, "Common sense is not so common (Voltaire said that). The nurse was right.

I say all this to say that Sophia' been able to drink both formula and breast feed. I take this as a sign that she will grow up to be an adaptable and flexible person. A character trait I find very attractive in people, and that will serve her well in life. My fears were totally Ego based. My sensible husband who happens to be exceptional with kids of all ages, explained to me that you bond with your child by playing with them. It's not just about breast feeding. It's your time and attention. In other words he said, "Get over yourself!" And I did.

What's so nice now is that I don't feel like my Boobs are slaves. I have some more free time and some normalcy back. Not as much as I would like, but more than before. Tony feeds Sophia which he loves to do. I swear if he could grow a pair of breasts, he would. He's very nurturing. It's so important to include your mate, so whether you pump or do both breast feeding and bottle, make it work so you both feel involved in caring for your baby.

I'm still doing my part for the Environment, by using BPA -free bottles. I'm being Green as much as possible, and cutting myself some slack. What else would you expect? My message to all the Mamas out there is to do the best you can by nurturing yourselves with love, asking for help where you need it and give yourselves credit. You're doing the most incredible thing in the world: Raising a human being!

"I just had a Baby, Now what?"

Going through 36 hours of labor and pushing out Sophia was the easy part, the next 6 weeks were the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. There's a book I started to read called, "The Birth of a Mother," and one of the chapters talks about how a mother to be imagines her life with her baby versus what actually happens. Of course I had my fantasies of carrying Sophia around in her little Baby Bjorn or Ergo Carrier (I actually have four different carriers depending on what mood my child is in) as I run errands around the city. Feeling her breath and little body snuggled next to me against my chest was something I dreamed about frequently. Little did I know that carrying around Sophia during those first few weeks of her life didn't always go so smoothly.
There are some newborns that just sleep all the time and are very laid back, my child wasn't one of them. I thought all the Kundalini Yoga I was doing would give me a baby that rarely cried & slept most of the time. It did wonders for me but had not effect on Sophia. Not my little fire cracker. Sophia, according to the author of "The Happiest Baby on the Block," Harvey Karp, is a passionate and sensitive child which means she needs more soothing than a laid back baby who sleeps a lot and rarely cries. You get the child you get and it's up to you to learn how to soothe her.
I had no idea coming home from the hospital what I was in for, and both my husband, Tony, and I were pretty clueless as to how to calm a screaming baby (we nicknamed her "Cougar" because she would let out this blood curdling scream like a wild animal). After we've changed the baby, fed her and held her, while going through our repertoire of songs, and she's still screaming, we really understood why people say, "Having a child is the most rewarding thing and the hardest thing you will ever do in your life." Tony and I were not at the rewarding part; we were at the "Jesus! what did I sign up for? Too late to change my mind now!" Don't get me wrong, we love and adore Sophia and wouldn't change a thing, but we have been learning as we go along. We know people that have hired baby nurses for the first month or so and had a newborn sleep trained from the beginning (I actually like the idea to some degree, but it takes away the mental toughness that I gained from the experience of sleeping 3 hours or less and the confidence I've built in knowing that I can calm Sophia).
So I learned from my baby Guru, Dr. Karp, that there is a 4Th trimester and that means that the first 3 months of a baby's life are an extension of pregnancy, except you have this fetus outside the womb now that needs a lot of care. What many people think is colic, in many cases is not and that was what I thought with Sophia initially, but found out she cried the typical amount of a baby between zero and 6 weeks. Because of her passionate and sensitive nature, she needs more soothing than the laid back kids. This entailed learning how to swaddle (I highly recommend using the Miracle Blanket . I tried using a large blanket like the ones the nurses use to swaddle babies in the hospital, and Sophia always wiggled out of like Harry Houdini (we gave her another nick name: Sophini). What also helps a lot is white noise or a shushing sound. I did a lot of research, and to save my jaw muscles from making a shushing sound, I use a CD that I downloaded as an MP3 from a website that has recorded white noise from hair dryers to air conditioners. What parents don't realize is that a baby can be under stimulated and if it's too quiet that can make them cry. In utero, babies are hearing the sound of their mother's blood going through arteries at a level of 80-90 decibels (that's super loud). They don't go deaf because their ears are not developed enough at that point. So loud white noise actually comforts them . I discovered this after a neighbor told me her child was calmed by the sound of the vent over the stove top, so I tried it and Sophia became very quiet and calm. That's when I started sleeping in the kitchen with Sophia. I put her in her car seat and camped out with her. I did what ever I had to do to get some sleep. Tony and I had been so sleep deprived we did whatever it took. Now with the CD of the air conditioner, we have graduated to the living room couch and Sophia is still in her car seat. We're gradually getting closer to her crib. At least we're not sleeping on the floor. Ouch!
The white noise needs to be the right white noise and that's all trial and error, so you'll find what works for your baby.
We're at the 10 week mark and things are definitely easier. The Cougar is now more like a Lamb these days and Sophia no longer has long bouts of crying, thank God. That was really rough. Now whenever I meet anyone who just had a baby, I'm very happy for them and at the same time I'm secretly saying to myself, "I'm so glad we're past that," and I smile knowing that we made it through Baby Boot camp.

Waiting for Baby Sophia

I am one day past my due date with Sophia. Everyone has said, "Oh, she'll probably be early." From what I understand that is not so unusual. On the day of my due date, I went to the gym and worked out. I think the people who were in the gym at the same time I was working out, were a combination of impressed and perhaps a little shocked. They have no idea that I am 40 weeks pregnant to the letter, but they do see this little body with a big belly and definition that must look a little freaky. The image most people have of an expecting woman at the stage I'm at, is usually round all over.

I know I'm the exception, but that has to do with the fact that I'm a former dancer turned personal trainer/Health Educator and physical activity has always been a part of my life. I'm 43 and have always taken very good care of my body, so conceiving and this entire pregnancy has been super easy. I gained 24 lbs and it's all been in my belly. Many people thought I was having a boy because the weight gain went right into my stomach and no where else. I think that's all a bunch of old wives tales and it really comes down to how you take care of yourself.

I am looking forward to giving birth and meet this incredible being that I've carried inside me for 9 months. Like any experience that is brand new, there is definitely that feeling of uncertainty of what is it going to be like. I didn't take a Lamaze class but a terrific neighbor of mine loaned me a DVD that explained the whole process called, "Laugh and Learn about Childbirth" that was incredibly helpful. I recommend it for anyone who would like some great supportive information that's delivered in a positive, fun and relaxed way. You can order it at www.laughandlearn.com. Sheri Bayless is a nurse, Lamaze Educator, Lactation Consultant and BSN (not sure what that represents) and delivers this wonderful presentation. I think she could also do stand up because she's very funny and made me pee in my pants (which I'm already doing at this stage anyway with the baby's head pressing on my bladder. )

Well friends, I hope the next blog will be to say, "Sophia has made her Grand entrance. Welcome to planet Earth my love."