This Book Stinks!

Every week I go to the library to pick out some new books for Sophia who loves to read.  She's two and three months and has a voracious appetite for reading which I think is great! Fortunately, there is a branch of the New York Public Library that is four blocks away from our apartment, so that's a plus.

We usually take out about ten or fifteen books and like most toddlers who latch on to something they really like will read it repeatedly.  Or rather have me or my husband read it over and over and over again until we all have it memorized.  Then we act out the story with Sophia' massive stuffed animal collection and create a live action play.  Depending upon who her favorite stuffed "Guys" (we refer to the stuffed animals as "Guys") are at the moment, they get to star in the play.

So last week, I took out about 15 library books from the children's section.  It was one of those days where Sophia was acting out a bit and not being very cooperative so I wasn't able to thoroughly peruse all the books to make sure they would interest her.  In my haste to get out the door, I did grab a few that looked cute just by looking at their cover.  How many times have we heard to never judge a book by it's cover?  Well, in this instance it was true.  It was one book in particular and when we got it home, Tony couldn't help but notice that this book (whose name I don't even remember) smelled of, please excuse me,  shit!.  I was shocked, disgusted and plain ol' grossed out.  I couldn't even imagine how it got there in the first place.  I did try to wash it off with some organic cleaning spray that also disinfects, but the illustrations started to fade and the smell was still there. I gave up and put it in a plastic bag to bring back to the library the next day.

The following day, we walked into the library and I saw a man who looked to me like someone in charge.  I approached him with the stinky book in a plastic bag and described to him what I encountered.  Having small children, you become immune to discussing anything having to do with bodily functions, especially the subject of poop.  It's just a part of my daily ritual like brushing my teeth.  I see it every day and my husband and I ask each other how many times did Sophia go today or describe it's consistency based on what she ate.  Lest I say anymore.

The librarian in charge was very gracious and stopped me mid sentence as I was searching for a nice way to say "This book smells like.....!@$%&" and took the foul story out of my hands.  He thanked me for bringing it to his attention and I thought, "What for?"  I was only doing what any other conscientious parent would do.  As we left the library, I wondered if that was the first time anything like that every happened there.   It was a first for me and I'll be doing sniff checks before taking out any books.  Life is full of surprises.  

Is Bedtime a Nightmare?

A few months ago someone sent me this really funny spoof on a children' book, called "Go The Fuck To Sleep."  You can Google it and read it online.  Well, I thought it was really funny!  Those that find it offensive, probably don't have a sense of humor or have kids.  You can read it or there's a narration by the actor, Samuel L. Jackson, which makes the experience of the story even better.  This is Jackson reprising the character he portrayed so brilliantly in the movie, "Pulp Fiction."  You can describe it as "Pulp Fiction" meets "Goldilocks and the Three Bears."

I mention this book, because what parent who has a child between the ages of birth and 3 (maybe 4) hasn't experienced a sleepless night here and there or maybe like me, it went on for the first 15 and half months of Sophia' life, E-V-E-R-Y S-I-N-G-L-E DAY!  There were plenty of moments where my husband and I were ready to jump out the window, or, yes that....  I'm not ashamed to admit it and I know you know what I'm talking about because many of you parents out there have felt that way too.  You're just too embarrassed to be that brutally honest.  That's okay.  I felt badly at first but then I just realized, it's a feeling and  this too shall pass. And it did for the most part.  Sophia started to sleep thru the night at about 16 months.

As I mentioned in another blog about the 550 square foot apartment that I live in that has a tiny bedroom,  our sleeping arrangements have not been not ideal.  The only way we got Sophia to sleep through the night was to buy a futon and I would sleep with her.  Hubby sleeps in the couch.  Opinions are like "A-*%!@!'s" and everyone has one, so if it meant sleeping next to my child so everyone could function, then so be it.  No judgements please!  Raising a child is like an Exercise and Diet Program.  There is no one size fits all and you really have to find your own way because kids are all different and mine is VERY DIFFERENT.  

After reading thru my blog, and if you haven't, I'll say it again; My daughter, Sophia has Sensory Processing Issues that affect her nervous system and so she processes many experiences slower or it takes her longer to get comfortable with something.  So in the case with sleep, she was never a self soother and needs a lot of comfort and physical contact and that's why co-sleeping with her has worked.  We tried crying it out twice. All the so called experts were so sure it would work.  Even our Pediatrician  had the gall to suggest leaving our then 6 month old in the crib with the door closed and if she threw up, to leave her there in her own gunk till it was morning!  My passionate Italian husband wanted to clock the Doc after hearing that,  and I don't blame him.

So now, we are at the age of two years and two months old, and sleeping thru the night is still pretty good, but now that Sophia has the verbal skills and imagination of a child at least another year or year and half older we are dealing with some new issues around sleep. She loves dinosaurs and creating stories with her massive collection of stuffed animals.  Mama and Papa are recruited morning, noon and night to participate in Sophia' elaborate plays of chasing and being chased by the scary dinosaurs.  It has been at night where this has become a challenge to falling asleep.  I think we spoil her because we really get into the stories with great detail and what child wouldn't want to keep playing if that was the case.

Our sleep routine begins around 8:15 and I start preparing the Murphy bed with all the giant pillows, turn down the soft down comforter, pick out two stories and warm up two bottles of formula (NOTE: we just had Sophia evaluated by a Pediatric ENT to check if there were any anatomical abnormalities causing her feeding and drinking issues and she's fine.  Now we know it's all sensory and behavioral. She receives feeding therapy once a week and will be going to the NYU hospital Swallowing clinic.  Our goal is to help her eat normally, self feed and drink before she turns 3 next year).  Usually, that all works pretty well and after her story, she drinks her bottle and then falls asleep.  NOT LATELY though.  It could be drinking at night has been causing her to get bloated and gassy and she gets pains which cause her to get upset.  We then have to comfort her with more dinosaur games until she feels better and at which point she is on her second wind and Mama and Papa are exhausted.  I've actually found myself nodding out in the middle of reading her a bedtime story.

I get up around 5 or 5:30 am during the week, and so somewhere between 8:30 and 9:30 PM, I am ready to go to sleep.  I usually pass out next to Sophia in my clothes, only to get up around midnight or 1 am, change into my PJ's and wash up.  So much for having any alone time with my squeeze or watching a movie.  I can't even remember when the last time I watched a DVD.

All I can say about this whole bedtime craziness is that I look forward to the day when Sophia is sleeping in her own bed, in her own room and I can have some normalcy back.  In the words of Sophia when we ask her when she's going to try eating some pizza, "One Day....." 

Stop acting like a baby!

How many times have we caught ourselves behaving like a child, only to hear someone say, "Stop acting like a baby!" or "You're being such a baby!"  It makes me laugh as I write this because it's so true.  Sometimes painfully true.

When our daughter was born, my husband and I were ecstatic and overwhelmed with this huge responsibility that was so tiny.  After we took her home from the hospital, the next several weeks and months were all about adjusting to this major change in our lives.

My first  observation of "Adults acting like babies," was when I began to breast feed.  My husband was used to being the favorite uncle with all his nieces and nephews.  He is absolutely wonderful with children and they love and adore him.  A newborn isn't going to play with you and their needs are pretty much all primal: eat, sleep, poop and give them lots of love.  Simple right?  Well, it was and it wasn't in my case.  My husband wanted to participate.  He belongs to the new breed of dads who want to help.  For centuries, men went to work and women raised the babies and did all the nurturing.
I love being helped, but not when I'm trying to get the hang of breast feeding (which by the way, in the beginning is excruciatingly painful! How I hung in there I have no idea.  At one point, I even questioned how could anyone go through this? ).

Tony, wanted to give Sophia a bottle and I insisted on breast feeding.  We went back and forth like two babies arguing.  He wanted to comfort, and hold Sophia and I did too, and then it became this competition between the two of us.    Then I started to pump and that helped, so he could feed Sophia.

As Sophia became more alert and was responding to us with smiles, then it became about who can make her laugh or smile.  I will never have my husbands quick wit, or gift to make up songs on the spot (and his vocals; although I can carry a tune for the most part)  and so began a whole score card game.  It was awful and I noticed how insecure I became.  I saw how desperately I wanted my daughters attention and approval thru her smiles.   I did see this and was able to catch myself behaving badly and nipped it in the bud.  By the way, approval comes from within.  Most people are so busy looking outside themselves for validation so next time you want it from anyone (even a baby), just give it to yourself.   Whitney Houston said it best her song, "The Greatest Love of All." The line is: "The Greatest love of all is the love inside yourself."

It's not easy to admit and see the negative tendencies that arise within ourselves but it's a growth when you do.  There were phases where Sophia preferred Tony to hold her and comfort her. She would reach her arms out for Papa and I felt like I was left out in the cold.  I was concocting all sorts of dramatic scenarios about how Sophia will favor Tony and I will just be on the sidelines picking up the crumbs.  My husband thought this was hilarious and actually teased me about it which fed into my insecurities even more.  A few short months later, then it was all about Mama and then Tony was feeling rejected.  I made sure not to tease him about it, because I didn't want to act like a baby.

You are so vulnerable, when you have your first child because you really don't know what you are doing.  You are doing the best you can.  And as a couple you have to find your way of relating to each other, and your baby.

Think of it this way: You are setting an example for your child.  There is only one baby in the house and that is the real baby.  Not you.  Sure you can get a pass for the occasional acting out like a child, but ultimately we want our own children to grow up to be resilient, resourceful and independent adults who know how to handle life.  If I blow a gasket every time, my toilet over flows, I am teaching my daughter that the way to handle any challenging or stressful situation is to over react and scream, curse, blame and yell.  It's that simple and yet, so many people just go unconscious about their own behavior.  

Sophia is two now and I'm very happy to report that there is a nice balance now between everyone.  If Sophia doesn't want me to hold her or help her and prefers Papa, I remind myself not to take it personally.  That's been tremendously helpful.

So be mindful and stop acting like a baby!

Livin' in a Big City, in a Small Apartment

I live in one of the best zip codes in Manhattan. Tribeca, New York.  When people hear Tribeca, they think, beautiful big lofts, high ceilings, artsy etc...Well, that's not what I live in.... At this moment in time.  I'm in the process of working may way into a much larger space.  It's important to have goals.... Moving is one of them.

I moved into my current space about 8 years ago.  It's a one bedroom in a luxury high rise on the Hudson River.  Sounds fantastic.  And it is in many ways, when you have a lovely view of the River and live on the tenth floor or above.  I, however, am on the fifth floor, have a view of Stuyvestant High School and they have a view of my apartment (One of the reasons I get dressed in the bathroom).  I also can hear every sound that the city makes, from the garbage trucks taking the trash from the high school to the door men whistling for cabs.

The  total square footage of my apartment is 550 square feet.  I really don't know how a one bedroom can be created from that space.  It defies all gravity, space and geometry.  That's good for one person and maybe a small cat (mine weighs in at about 17lbs.  Not so small, but we manage.  The majority of the square footage is in my living room, so you can imagine the size of my bedroom.  It's probably the size of a walk in closet in someone's big loft space, however once we were expecting a child, we had to think  fast, and creatively.

We built a Murphy Bed in the bedroom and shelving/book cases for storage (Sophia's toys, clothes, and enormous collection of stuffed animals) and a hidden desk with bi-fold doors.  It's truly amazing that that was possible.  I'm in total awe of the guy who built this and even more amazed that I can sleep in there.  It's fairly impossible to walk in there, once the bed is down.  But it's cozy.  There is even storage above the bed for blankets, pillows and sheets. Incredible!

We had to change our entire space around to make it child friendly (Sophia is now 2), so we built a small dining table into the wall that folds down, we have bar stools that we use for chairs, or push into the wall where we can also eat at the counter that comes out from the open kitchen.  There is not a lot of furniture but what is there, was custom made and functional.  We had a console designed to hold DVD's, all my files for business and home, junk draws for everyone's mail and important "stuff", my office supplies etc.

During thus renovation process, I was allowed to really purge the things that I do not need.  It's a very helpful and cathartic experience.  I love to throw shit out, and my husband, Tony, tends to collect things that eventually turn into a massive tower of papers.  He'll even save the envelopes of credit card offers.  I just do my best to look the other way.  That's why he has two  drawers, just for the envelopes from his junk mail.

As much as our space is functional, it is still dysfunctional in the sense that human beings need space so they can breathe and have some alone time for themselves.  That is not a realistic possibility in our apartment, unless you go into the bathroom.  And Sophia usually likes to join you, no matter what you're doing in there.  Taking a dump is no longer sacred and I can't even read a magazine.  Ah, the joys of a toddler' infinite curiosity.

Imagine what it would be like to live in 550 square feet with a toddler and both parents freelance, so we are around each other a great percentage of the time.  That's a breeding ground for insanity, in my opinion, or divorce.  How do we do it?  Structure, structure, structure as best as you can.

My suggestions if you have a situation similar to mine:
1) If your child is not of school age, put them in classes like Gymboree, music, swimming etc.
2) Try to arrange some times when you and your partner are not around each other constantly.  One of you can take your child to classes or another care giver can.  If you both work from home, look into renting community office space.
3) Keep your place organized and clean.  It's super easy to have piles of mail, dishes in the sink, pots left on the stove, and unmade beds, but when your space is small it's more noticeable.  I find that when my home environment is more messy and disorganized, I feel more mentally clogged and stressed.  And no, I don't think it's just in my head.  Not to mention, you are leaving a trail of potential accidents for your little one, if you don't put your shit away.
4)  Recognize and find the humor in your space because it could be worse.  I'm serious.  You could be living with relatives in their basement,  or worse, in a bigger home, but in a neighborhood that's not safe.  You have to weigh your priorities when you have a small child.  Safety is huge and so is being somewhere that's child friendly.  Where we live, it definitely is.
5) If you have the resources, custom build furniture that can accommodate your space and growing child.

On that note, I look forward to blogging in the near future about my tremendous new home where everyone has their own bedroom and then some!

Is your child Out of Sync?

I had a very healthy pregnancy and a normal birthing experience, so by the time we passed Sophia' first birthday, we began to notice some not very normal things.  She was extremely colicky for 16 months and hated her crib, sleeping thru the night was no where in sight, she was very anxious and overwhelmed by large groups of people, refused to lay on her back for a diaper change, needed to be held constantly, refused to go in a stroller, and the most challenging and still is right now, refuses to eat any food with texture.  Sophia will not feed herself, eats only purees from Earth's Best Baby Food, has a limited variety, will not drink from a cup or use a straw but prefers a bottle (only whole milk with her formula) and we have to hold it for her. She needs constant distraction in order to eat such as reading, a DVD, playing with her miniature action figures and putting on a show.  Sophia went from sitting in her bath and enjoying it to only feeling comfortable is she stands and wears a bathing suit bottom   The final straw that put us over, has been Sophia' refusal to go in a car, boat, train, or plane (forget about that! ); she would cry and become hysterical.   Jesus! I'm exhausted just writing all that!

The isolation and frustration we have felt these past two years, has been incredible and what has been helpful is that Sophia receives, Early Intervention Services which involves, feeding therapy and Occupational therapy at a special sensory gym to give her exposure to new experiences.

If you find yourself wondering if your child's behavior seems strange, or you are observing a delay in development do not hesitate to investigate.  In New York City, there is Early Intervention which is free.  You just have to go through an extensive evaluation with a variety of specialists to determine whether your child is eligible for these services.  It is a long process, but well worth it.  There is always the private route of just paying out of pocket or using your health insurance. 

The idea behind Early Intervention is that if a developmental delay is caught early, there is the likelihood of success.  Their program works with children between the ages of birth thru 3 years.  The nervous system and brain are plastic so with the right therapy, your child can overcome a lot of these delays or issues.

Being a parent requires tremendous amounts of patience, but having a child with sensory integration dysfunction requires that much more.  Our lessons in life come in many forms and as hard as this has been I always choose to see this experience as a gift.  I'm human and have really rough days where I feel like I'm about to lose it, but I constantly remind myself, the importance of being helpful over hurtful.   That I am doing the best I can, and Sophia will get there when she does. 

I recommend joining a support group, find other parents who are dealing with similar issues so you do not feel alone.  There is a ton of stuff on the web that you can find with a search on Sensory Integration Dysfunction.  One of my favorite books that gives great information is titled, "The Out of Sync Child" by Carol Stock Kranowitz, M.A.