After a 6lb cannon ball of a miniature human being came out of me, the last thing I want is anything going in there. Every OB will tell you, right after giving birth, not to have any sex for about 6-8 weeks. How could you? That's a given, but what happens after that period is over, as your partner anxiously awaits for that day when you can both "Get it On"
Truth be told, I was actually a little nervous. I'm sharing this with you because I know I'm not alone and it helps to talk about it. A baby changes everything and yes, that too!
I had a small tear, after a vaginal delivery and so I was very very sore and the idea of anything penetrating this area was something I wanted to be careful about. So the first time we did it, I could not believe how uncomfortable it was. Did I enjoy the experience of getting back on the saddle? Yes, I enjoyed the closeness and physical contact but it was painful and it took a while for it not to hurt anymore. It was like being a virgin again, as strange as that may sound. And sex after a baby is strange. A friend with a toddler said to me recently that because your focus is on a new baby that your drive is lower and that's normal. Well, absolutely that was true for me. Not to mention that you are sleep deprived and there is less time for yourself and whatever time you do have for yourself you often want to be by yourself.
Are men so different from women in this way, that sex for them after a baby is so easy?" Aren't they exhausted too? I'm talking about the typical household where the woman stays home during her maternity leave (if she has a job) and the husband is out working all day, so he's not at home looking after an infant that demands all of your attention. He's had intelligent and stimulating conversation with people over the age of 3. I'm not saying that working outside the home isn't challenging in it's own way, but it's a different kind of challenge.
I once heard Howard Stern say on one of his radio shows, that women with small children, if given a choice, between a good nights sleep or sex, would choose a goodnights sleep. That's a very revealing statement. And for those of you who nodded in agreement, I would not beat yourselves up about that.
The mass media promotes the belief that we're all supposed to be having incredible sex, Advertising in magazines, TV and film displays a constant barrage of erotic images. I remember my roommate telling me about a marketing class she was taking and how pictures of ice cubes for an alcohol ad were supposed to be convey sex to the consumer. Of course it's subliminal but it's sex is always around us from ice cubes to Victoria Secret billboards. It's unfortunate how many people fall prey to the belief that if you're not a sexual dynamo, then you're a loser. This is how hang ups, low self esteem and all sorts of issues develop not to mention the mass consumption of Viagra.
Don't listen to it. Everyone is different and what's right for you, may be different for someone else. After a baby, you may find yourselves, having sex once a week. As long as both partners are okay with that, then fine. There are many ways to be intimate with someone and it doesn't always have to be intercourse. You can give each other massages, take a bath together, have a make out session, spoon in bed. I'm sure there may be men reading this and thinking, "Yeah, right, like I'm going to get off on spooning." If a man who thinks this way would think more from his heart and less with his little head, then perhaps he would find that love, affection, and connecting with his partner in these ways is also satisfying. It's less about the ego and more about a spiritual connection. A baby can be an opportunity for couples to deepen their connection in many ways other than slam bam thank you mam.
The first year of a baby's life is where the focus is and within time, you're relationship with your partner will come back into balance. If we can accept the roller coaster ride of that first year, then you will be a lot easier on yourself. It took me about five months to accept that "Yes, my life is somewhat different, " and coming and going as I please is not a readily available option at the moment. The less I resist the fact that life is different with my daughter, the more I am able to relax and enjoy what is here now. In the words of many spiritual leaders like Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dyer, The Dalai Lama: "All you have is the present moment." So you might as well be here now and enjoy it!
