Being a new parent is basically similar to a job in that you see where your strengths and weaknesses are and you capitalize on those strengths. Knowing that, it made more sense that I would be the one to go back to work. Hiring a nanny was not an option, because Tony wasn't comfortable with the idea of leaving Sophia with anyone, when he could do it. Plus, the fact that he has a money making skill that he can do anywhere.
I had some mixed feelings about going back to work. A part of me was excited to get out and have social contact with people because I felt so isolated, even though I live in a big city. Being at home for long periods of time where my day consisted of breast-feeding, taking naps, coming up with ideas for meals (many of which I missed due to my nursing on demand schedule), and consoling a colicky baby for hours was very stressful (the stress was mostly from Sophia crying so often). Oh, let's not leave out the lack of sleep which left me exhausted and irritable. Welcome to parenthood! It does get better and easier other mother's would empathetically tell me.
The other part of me felt somewhat uncomfortable going back to work and leaving behind Sophia. If there was anyone to trust with my little pumpkin, it would be my husband, Tony. He's beyond responsible and protective. Anyone who can hold and walk with a crying baby for 2 hours plus straight is my hero. Tony is like having another mother for Sophia and catered to her every need and she needed a lot because she was not a self soother.
I have a fun job as a personal trainer and it doesn't feel like work because I get to play all day long ; that's what it feels like to me. The challenge though, is that I'm independent so I have more pressure on me to hustle to keep my client base high and take care of all our basic expenses. I have days where I feel like, I would like to be the one to stay home with Sophia and take care of her while Tony goes to work. Not that he's not experiencing his share of major responsibilities. In some ways what he's doing is harder and more demanding. Plus, he's an independent trader which allows him to work from home on his computer which he's not able to do so easily with Sophia which leaves him frustrated that he's not having time to do what he wants to do.
One of the hardest things about our situation, is the fact that I am able to come home during my breaks which you would think is nice because I get to see my family. Yes, it is mostly. But think about this: Typically, when one parent goes to work, they are out of the house for 8 or more hours which leaves the other person alone to find a rhythm and pace to do their thing with the baby. Plus, you have space from your spouse, so when you come together at the end of the day you can appreciate one another more and share your day. Tony and I are on top of each other in a small one bedroom where Sophia's stuff has taken over. When I come home, I can give Tony some relief to take a shower, work out, go out for fresh air by himself etc... All good, but coming home during the day interrupts the rhythm and pace of the other person who stays home with the baby. It's just my experience, but that's what I have found.
There's an expression that says, "Too many cooks in the kitchen ruins the food." The analogy here is Tony and I over parent each other, when it comes to Sophia. We both love her and want what's best, but since he spends more hours with her during the weekdays he feels like he knows her needs more than I do. I could see that being true in many instances, but then it gets into this push / pull situation of right and wrong. So coming home during my breaks, on the plus side, I get to see my child, but on the down side, I'm getting in the way of Tony's flow and we over parent on each other.
It can be a tough situation and it is when we have a high needs baby. Sophia had difficulty with sleep for the majority of her ten months which recently got better (we did the cry it out method because we were left with no more options that worked). Sometimes I think it would be better for me mentally and emotionally to have a full time job where I could go every day for 8 hours and that would create the space and flow that I think we all need. For the time being, we're making it work as best as we can and I'm going to bed earlier so I can get up earlier and do something else I love to do which is "Write."
I've come to the conclusion that as new parents, it's critical to honor ourselves and our partner, when it comes to whatever position you take in the household. Whether it's a freelancing breadwinner or stay at home parent, both are equally important. The lesson here for me is to let go of wanting to be right or exert my will upon Tony because I feel like I'm not with Sophia as much to always know what she needs. The paradox is that in letting go of trying to control everything, it will all work out. It's the Yogic Way.
